god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
