It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
