I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
