Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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