How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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