I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
