When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
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