11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize