i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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