so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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