I need help removing her.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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