I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
