I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
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