he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
