before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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