One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
sarcasm needs its own font
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
