hotel room ftw
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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