no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
