It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
