Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize