I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
