he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
