not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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