he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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