Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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