I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
