i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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