some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
