We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Never let your siblings swipe right.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
