I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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