Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
50% drunk capacity currently
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
