She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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