So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
