He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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