you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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