listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
