I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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