But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
