I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
