Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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