From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
