he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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