I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
