We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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