nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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