grandma shit on top of the toilet
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
