She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
