I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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