i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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