new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
