Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
