She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Lo siento on account of my penis...
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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