Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
