I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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