She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
