Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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