I should be sponsored by Trojan
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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