If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
