Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize