I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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