While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
