How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
