Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
