Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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