wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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