I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
from now on my penis is your penis
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
