You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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