Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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