I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
