it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize